Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
