Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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