I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
