Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just found puke in my bra..
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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