According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
