I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
