i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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