Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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