May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
