I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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