Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
