if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
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I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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