Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
