Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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