New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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