so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
