I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
