I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
