Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
