She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
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I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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