Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
