Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
