Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
