Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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