just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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