i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my shit smells like andre
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
