you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
