we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
