overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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