Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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