I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
