your parents love me but you hate me
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
