was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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