She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
