All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
