The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
