While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Even my vagina gasped.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
