You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Walk of Shame today included voting.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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