I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
