The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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