I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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