I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
