brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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