two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
