i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
