the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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