i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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