I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
