Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
