I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
