How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
