you win again, gameday.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
