What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
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