Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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