I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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