Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
