You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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