Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
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I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
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I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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